Friday, January 29, 2010

Please don't call the LAW!

**When I was about 5, I stole a pack of gum from Wal-mart. I hid it in the back seat of my mom's Gremlin {seriously} under the floor mat. I would get a piece out each time we would get into the car and she never noticed. I felt guilty. But apparently not guilty enough to 'not' chew it.

{google picture - but this looks just like ours - we were a classy bunch.}

**At about the age of 6, our local Fred's was going out of business. They had this HUGE bin full of miscellaneous items - mostly costume-like jewelry. I found a single earring in the bottom. It was a purple, clip-on, ball earring. And when I say purple - I mean the kind that they squeezed grapes into. I really thought I was doing no harm and pocketed it. Really I did! haha - I mean, come on! How were they going to sell a single earring!? I took it because I thought I could make something from it. I still remember what I thought I could make {but I'm going to leave that part out of the story - okay?} Oh man, when my mom saw that I stole the earring, I got beat {literally!} Stealing was definitely not going to be the business I got into. Not after that!

**When I was a freshman in high school, I was on a 'date' with a real winner who brought along his best friend. The 2 were pledging for 2 different high school fraternities. The friend {not my date,} had 2 options of getting out of 'hell night' - steal the moose head off the moose lodge or steal the January Street sign {which was in the middle of the projects.} Honestly, it was much safer to steal the moose - but he thought it would be easier to get the street sign since they have a camera on the moose. Now you guys have to know me - the whole time I was preaching how they were going to Hell and taking me with them. And they should feel guilt for what they were doing. I had no choice. Take me home first . . . . I said it all. My 6 year old self was telling me how my mom would beat my 14 year old self - just much harder. I remember praying so hard. When they got out of the truck and got the sign, I locked both doors and wouldn't let them back in. Finally after they swore they would take me home, I let them back in. But Cody, wanted to look at his ticket out of torture and went to the local park to gape and goggle over his new prized possession. This is the same park the cops were patrolling constantly because of some not-so-good-behavior going on at night there - prostitutes, sexual activity and same sex should sum that scenario up for you. Just guess what happened? Yeah, busted. And took to jail. Just know, I got into the worse trouble out of all 3 of us. AND I was the one begging to leave me out of their fun. Another fat lesson learned.

**I've been pulled over 12 times - but have only gotten 2 tickets. I'm not bragging - seriously! I just got the right cop or trooper each time that believed whatever I said. The funniest one was when I was speeding down the highway towards home. When the trooper got me, I jumped out, ran to the other side of the car, opened the door and squatted and peed. Really, I did. It worked. He laughed once he figured out what I was doing on the other side of the car. AND then he tells me that was considered indecent exposure. I asked if he saw anything. Of course he didn't! So, what was indecent about it???? I was so close to home, about to pee on myself. He stopped me - so I had to go somewhere!? Right? Whatever, it worked. Should I have been speeding - NO. Once I had kids, I really started slowing down. Really! But let me say, that every excuse I ever gave was truthful. It pays to tell the truth people. {hehe!}

**But my newest law breaking moment - Several weekends ago, it was bunco night. Bunco was in the middle of Nowhere City! Lucky for me, an awesome friend told me to meet her at work and she would just drive. While waiting for her in the parking lot, I noticed all these spikey, seed pods in the parking lot. Once Jamie got out, I asked her if she had a bag in her car - I wanted these pods! Of course she did. We ran around the few cars left parked picking up the pods. I noticed she was in more of a hurry than me. She slipped it in that we ought to hurry before the guard sees us.

"Uhmm, what? Did you say 'Guard?'"

"Yeah, he patrols the VA parking lot - I think this might be illegal."

haha!! "AHHH - Quick - get all that you can!!!!!!!!"

Jumped in the car as soon as we saw him drive to our area!

Such a lawbreaker.

And I have no real idea what I'm going to do with these. haha!

okay people - tell me what you have done so I don't feel so alone in my jail-bird ways! If you are brave enough to blog about it, I want to see the link in my comments!!!!

*******disclaimer - I don't want to read about deaths or kidnappings or anything that shouldn't be in my comments or in a blog post!?! Got it?!


Robin said...

Kim.....those are "Sweetgum balls" and I can get you about 10000000 of them if you want them for free and you WON'T be breaking the law! LOL My mama's yard is FULL of them!

Oh, and we used the cheap black spray paint on the Fontana....hubby just slacked A LOT on the sanding afterwards. The one piece he's finished looks AWFUL! As soon as it warms up just a touch, that baby is going BACK out to the garage and getting fixed RIGHT!

Laurie said...

We call them "spikey balls" and our dog LOVES to play with them! She had one by the stem the other day, shaking it. She plays with them with her paws like a cat, tosses them in the air and catches them, fetches them if we throw them, and sneaks them inside and chews them up.

I had a friend whose dad made Christmas ornaments from them.

Let us know what you do with them!

Renée T. Bouchard said...

I hope this isn't too gross for your blog, but.... I knew a girl who actually squirted ketchup onto her lap and pretended it was "that time of the month" to get out of a speeding ticket. And no, it was NOT me! I would never have the nerve to lie. I once parked in a handicap spot ACCIDENTALLY, of course. When I saw the $200 ticket, I called the officer who issued it and argued that the space was not clearly marked (which it WASN'T). He agreed and actually voided the whole ticket!

Katie said...

Since my mom reads my blog, I'll just keep to laughing at yours ;).

Allison said...

Got busted for shoplifting Pez in 6th grade. There was a cop car waiting outside the store for me-so I bolted and ran away, with the manager holding my backpack (with my student ID). I guiltily slank back and fessed up. Just got a warning. As far as I know, my parents never knew. Aren't those things buckeyes?

SRA said...

One year when I was young, my Grandmother let us gather up the "Spike Balls" from all our neighbor's yards - We dried them all winter/spring/summer/fall...and when she was sure there wasn't anything ALIVE inside...we sprayed them gold, and strung them together along with Cranberries and Popcorn for a beautiful lasted well into Valentine's day and we hung hearts off it! P.S. I just ran a red light know I'm right there with ya Sista...."Break'n The Law"

~Laura and Geoff~ said...

your pee pee story has me peeing my pants! I've thought about that 1000 times when I really have to go thinking "what would I do if a cop got me right now"

Queenneenee said...

Girl, who knew sweet Kim was such a badass! HAHA! I loved this post. Theres not enough room here to list all my escapades! If I choose to blog about it you'll be the first to know!

FrouFrouBritches said...

I'm cracking up about your pee story. I once had a cop/date tell me to always tell them you're rushing to find a bathroom if you get stopped.

My aunt had a sweet gum tree in her yard when I was a kid. They were horrible on little bare feet!

BlackCatMima said...

I laughed SO HARD all through this post!

OK, this isn't really illegal (as far as I know) but it was (and is) totally out of character for me and probably one of the raciest things this shy boring girl has ever done...

Back in my college days, a friend and I took my neighbor and her little girl into Chicago to shop the big thrift stores there for back to school clothes. It was a hot, humid, August day, we'd been out digging for deals all day long and hit some heavy bumper to bumper traffic on the Dan Ryan expressway coming home during rush hour.

My friend didn't have AC in her car and it was literally about 100 degrees that day and the 4 of us were crammed into her tiny, stuffy car along with about 29 bags of goodies we'd bought.

So we're just sitting there in this traffic jam, not really moving, no AC, no air, it's SWELTERING hot . . . and we notice a couple cars up from us the guy has his window down, his arm stuck out and he's holding what appears to be his underwear in his hand, swinging it around. Air drying his drawers? We had NO idea but we laughed and could see and hear others in the cars around us laughing too. It was SO bizarre!

My friend says to my buxom neighbor, "Hey Lisa, why don't take your bra off and wave it around too?" Lisa was seriously like a triple D kinda girl, so just the thought was funny. She wouldn't do it since her daughter was in the car and would probably tell her husband when they got home.

So I did it. LOL I had on an oversized t-shirt and was able to slip off my meager B cup sling shot underneath it and pull it out of the armhole of the shirt. I just whipped it right off and waved it around outside the car with a flourish. My friends about DIED because it was so unlike me, and then the cars behind us all started hoking and waving back and we could see people craking up in their cars. It was really fun!

This was close to 20 years ago now, I often wonder if anyone else remembers the carful of girls that waved a bra around during that traffic jam on a hot summer day.

Oh and of course as soon as we got home, my neighbor's daughter ran and told MY MOM exactly what I'd done. LOL!

Other than that, as far ans anything illegal goes . . . well, there was that visit to a Golden Corral buffet in Orlando. And a half a rotisserie chicken that escaped inside someone's Vera Bradley purse. But other than that, i have no idea what we were just talking about!!! Hahahaha!

Ann said...

That is so funny! I have those pods all over my back deck and for days I've been thinking I better go collect those, I might want to do something with them...

Sara F. said...

Sweet gum balls are the bain of my existance! Every summer and fall I swear I am going to take an ax to our tree because of those awful balls! I can't wait to see what fun thing you do with them maybe I will come to appreciate them after all! ;-)

shabby girl said...

I've never seen those seed pods! But they're cool! Oh yeah, you will find something extraordinary to do with them!
yes, when I was a teenager, we had little money, and I used to steal stuff or change the price tags on things. But as I got to adulthood, I totally got it. Never again did I do so much as accept a penny that I was not due, or even think about taking advantage of someone else.
The details? You are much braver than me! Great post!

Krista Lee said...

This is HILARIOUS Kim! LOL! Love the gremlin.. That car is awesome.. I stole a piece of pizza out of the cafeteria one day in high school on a dare and I STILL feel guilty about it! Haha!

Mitzi said...

Those sweet gum balls make a really cute Christmas wreath. You can leave natural or spray gold or silver. You had a normal childhood by the way. Everyone has their own stories. haha