I never seem to have enough. I know I'm not the only one out there with this issue. When I started this business, I had 1 kid. Man, the things one can accomplish with just ONE!! I think I could have taking on the world. Now, I have 4. And I feel like the world has taking on me! It really amazes me when I run around here all day - laundry, meals, kids' time, paint, husband time - and I feel like I get nothing accomplished. Now, I know someone is feeling me!!
Here lately, I haven't really been able to blog - time is one reason. But there are a few others. My family blog was given up in October. So I've tried putting more pictures of my kids on this one. I guess I'm trying to prove the possibilities are endless! "Look I can make cute paintings and cute kids!" haha!!
At the first of the year, I went to "something" that had to do with blogging. Now, I'm not going to say in this post what it was, but I have mentioned it in previous posts. I never blogged about it but did intend to. I didn't really come up with a good post to not sound like a "downer" about it. I think it was a good "something" to attend for most bloggers - but wasn't quite what I was expecting - though I had no real expectations?! Okay, that was a total oxymoron! Whatever - just know that it wasn't for me and really put me in a bad spot with the blog. And since, I've not gotten into it lately.
The business has taken off like crazy. And when I could blog - I should paint instead! That is why it is almost 2 am and I'm blogging! I fell asleep around 9 and got back up around 12:30. Paint is currently drying so I thought I better jump on here now before you all thought I was dead! I never dreamed I would be where I'm at in such a short amount of time with this business!
Things are going to change around here. I will be doing up a post shortly telling you all of the changes. This week I got so frustrated with a current situation that I almost said forget it. You read that right. I almost shutdown the blog - the website - and emailed everyone and said I can't do it. Not anymore. I cried - felt sorry for myself - was probably even mean to my kids. I really think there are some folks out there that think I just "slap paint on canvas" {those are my words} but I don't. Each canvas is meticulously thought out and made for each person that orders it. Some art comes so naturally to me. Other pieces not so much. I get really frustrated when one of those pieces I'm hitting a brick wall with stands in the way of the other orders that are anxiously waiting. So, sometimes I have to move forward. Now, that brick wall piece is on my mind - heavily. I try to work on the details in my head constantly. I sketch them out - sometimes I will paint a tiny mock up - only to see I'm going in the wrong direction. But I will eventually get it right. But it takes time.
Oh, we are now back on time again. There has never been a time in my life when I had too much of it. NEVER. I've always been busy. Even at an incredibly young age. With each time consuming activity, I would try my best to perfect what ever it was that was eating away at my time. I felt {and strongly still do} "why waste your time on mediocrity?" I'm not saying be the best - but perfect your best. Growing up, my mom preached perfectionism although she was completely unaware of it. I know that I will never be perfect and I will make tons of mistakes {especially in her eyes.} But I still strive for it constantly in every area of my life. Parenting and Painting are the top 2 areas {currently} that I want to "perfect my best." Both are a huge a reflection of me and both I take very seriously. Lately, I noticed the stress of my business is squashing my parenting skills. Hudson's birthday was Tuesday. I didn't even have a birthday gift for him. That's right. NO GIFT. That is pathetic and I have no real excuse except for a brick walls. I'm so consumed with brick walls that I forgot to get my kid a gift on his birthday.
All I need to do now is look in the mirror and see my own mother. The one person I don't want to be. So consumed with the details of others' lives that I can't see the details of my own. I'm a stay at home mom so I won't miss the details. I just said the other day how "I'm so sick of hearing people say 'I'd die for my children!'!" Well, no kidding! Most every parent would say that {I did say most - for those who know my background!!} Well, I live for my kids. I take every single breath for them. And it will be that way until forever. But I forgot to get my kid a freakin' birthday gift!?
I say all this to say - things will be changing. A lot. No, I'm not closing shop - not hardly. After my tantrum, I realized how stupid I must look - because I felt like it. I know there is no true balance between parenting and working from home. Some weeks are going to be geared toward my kids and some towards art - I get it. I'll still focus on the details of each and every painting - I just won't consume myself with them and will set them to the side when I'm not "working". I'm sure I'm going to hit brick walls - BUT I'll be clear to the client when it happens. AND I will never slap paint on a canvas - ever.
No, he has on no clothes - can't keep them on him - he strips down to nothing but undies as soon as he gets home!
This thing is awesome!For all those wondering - as soon as Lonnie got home, I did run to Toys R Us and got Hudson his gift - the one we had been planning on getting him. He loved it. I still missed his birthday supper - not that Hudson eats much - but I still missed it.
We do have a party planned for Hudson on Saturday - although I haven't prepared one thing - except order the cake. Seriously, I've become a huge slacker in the "cool mom" department!
Carson
Lawson - whom I've been getting some great eye contact with lately!!
What's up Colonel Sanders! As you can tell, Em takes her cake and ice cream VERY SERIOUSLY!
Changes coming soon because I can't miss anymore - not when I don't have to!
25 comments:
Kim, i seriously think you are beating yourself up! So what that you are one of those mums who is so busy that "Sometimes" the kids get toast for dinner, or that em takes cake very seriously.
You are you, take a good long look at all the photo's you have posted on this blog of the kids and tell me why you think you are missing out? Those kids are adorable and not once have I seen a sad little face on any post. They are happy, content kids who think their mum is da bomb! and so do a heck of alot of other people! Just about every post has a pic of one or all of the kids. I just love reading about them and your lives and your work. it reminds me that I am human too and just because life gets a little crazy and stressed and the kids get naked after school (sigh, mine do too) so darn well what. You have a great husband and family and love to paint, keep it up!
Lotsa Love
Teena
xoxox
The Mrs. is right, stop laying a guilt trip on yourself. Frankly, I watch my married daughter shuffle her life between raising children, running a business, dealing with a hubby and I don't know where she gets all the energy.
I agree with you that you can't just slap paint on canvas. People who don't paint, just don't understand how much time it takes to turn something into a work of art, but you're not trying to please them, you're trying to please yourself and only you know how to do that.
Back off, take a few deep breaths and find some way to remind yourself of really important things (like the birthday) and just the rest go for the day.
oh no kim......please hang in there!!!!!!
i agree with the ladies above.......but i do know from my own life that sometimes we just have to slow down a bit and prioritize things. and i know i too would make an issuee out of small things that really in the end are not as "big" a deal as i once thought!!!!
and everytime i see one of your pieces of art on here i just look and look at them and i am soooo amazed at how awesome each painting is.....such detail and each one very unique!!!!!! but i think you are correct.....when i go to work i have set hours then i come home to my family.....so that is probably what you need to try.....so much family time and so much work time.
but i would like to think that any of your moms who order paintings would be very understanding when it comes to time........we never have enough....no matter who you are!!!!!!!
hang in there girlie......we all see how tough you are and i know you will get through this!!!!!!!
Oh..happy happy birthday! What cute pictures!
sandy toe
You are a blessing today... a blessing to everyone around you. You bless others with a smile and a kind word. You bless with a kind act and a prayer. God blesses you as you bless others.
May the warmth of the sun fill your life today... may the rains be gentle as they fall to the earth. May the wind bring with it positive news and may your family be blessed with good health.
Take time for yourself this weekend and remember to spend time with Him....
Blessings, SusanD
I can relate to your post. In the past week I realized that I'm so busy that I'm forgetting to enjoy the real important things. I too had to run at the last minute to buy a gift. My youngest just turned 18 and is graduating this month. I've been so busy volunteering that I'm not enjoying anything. The more I give the more that seems to be required. So I've decided to cut back, because I doubt I'll ever regret not working more. I agree w/ the post by Missy - ppl will understand.. so take an extra day and enjoy your babies - trust me before you know it they will be grown.....Jo
Girl...I feel it with you!!! When I read your "honest" post I swear it's like you're reading my mind...I pick up on issues with your Mom(maybe it's bc I have them too and it's easy to see). Wish we lived closer...would love to meet and chat(I'm in Orange Beach)...anyway...hang in there and I'll send prayers your way!
I've told you time and time again "I don't know how you do it" and I kinda shrugged and agreed with you when you said "I don't have a choice" ....
You know already know I think you are a superhero -- you call at the right times, even when we haven't talked in weeks. You are doing the right thing -- time honestly, is never on our side, but you have to find a good balance between the 2 - if there is such a thing!
The boys are amazing - can't believe Huddy is already 4 - CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I remember BEGGING you to have that baby when I was up there closing on my house ~ thanks for delivering (in more ways than one!) =) and that Emsley - oh my WORD, I want to put her on a cracker!
Know that you have a place to stay in TAMPA whenever you're ready to vacation!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Hang in there, Kim! It is so hard to find that balance of time, especially when you work from home.
I think about you so often...like this morning when I was going on two hours of sleep and feeling sorry for myself. I thought "I NEED TO LIVE FOR MY CHILDREN and not worry about no sleep!"
You are amazing and even though I do not know your mom, I do know you will not be like her if you don't want to be. Try not to beat yourself up b/c I think you ARE perfecting YOUR best :)!
You are wonderful just being you.
Even if you took away the art and what you create, it's not who YOU are and it's not what YOUR BEST is.
Your best is just you - your personality, your humor, your frankness, AND whatever imperfections you see in yourself that make you who you are.
Your best is your children - the sheer fact that you care for them everyday proves this. That they are all becoming little independent, healthy souls as every day goes by proves this.
I am a perfectionist, too. I know that it is hard to shake the opinions and expectations of others - whether it's your "mother" (I use that term loosely) or clients or whomever. But the bottom line is this: you are your hardest critic and you expect more from yourself than ANYONE.
So give yourself permission to be happy, to let go of what needs to be turned loose, and do the things that 20 years from now, you'll look back on and say, "I am SO GLAD I did that."
You are AMAZING.
Now I'm feeling really bad for my email! I totally get where you're coming from. I feel exactly the same way. I am always rushing from one thing (place) to the next and never sit down to actually enjoy the people (and things) that are already in my life. I go through stages of regret and self doubt and then get over it, but I think it's an endless cycle.
There is never enough time in the day for everything, especially when you have small children. You just have to do what you can when you can and not beat yourself up for what's left undone. This season will pass, I just hope I enjoy it while it's here!
I have often wondered how you do it. Four kids and a home based business. When I read your blog and you say you are staying up all night or just grabbing an hour or two I worry about you. I think how long can she go on? I hope the new Kim is taking some time for herself. I know your a stay at home mom and I think that is WONDERFUL but at the same time I wonder with the lack of sleep and all that is on your plate are you short changing yourself? It sounds like if your not painting your thinking about what your painting or the orders that need to be done. Perhaps you need to hire someone one day a week to watch the kids or do you have someone who could take them to the park for a few hours for you? I think it is just a matter of balance and you will find it. That way when you are with your kids it is quality time and the can have ALL of mommy. I do think it may come from childhood. You are trying to do SO many things. Trying to please SO many people.
I'm glad you are going to "regroup" and I hope what ever you decide it puts you and your family first. You do beautiful work and when your business is no longer a pleasure and the pressure is on it is time to step back and make changes. Good Luck.
I loved the honesty of your post! I, too, have beat myself up for not being the perfect parent, or perfect anything for that matter.
Move forward. Your kids love you. You're an incredible painter. Make those changes. Take whatever time you need. We'll all still be here. :)
Well said... I feel this way too sometimes. But, I have no idea how you do it. I need to go to the "Kim Wheeler- Do It All Even If You Get 2 Hours Of Sleep A Night- School!" No, seriously, you seem like a super hard worker, so I think you might be beating yourself up a little too much... But I guess that is how you perfect your BEST! Good luck, cannot wait to see the changes!
Leslee
I've realized some of these same things about myself lately - I'm constantly going. You're right, you're not the only one, but you're probably one of the only ones taking the time to change things to make them right. So, encouragement out to you! You're doing GREAT! And, yes, cute kids AND cute painting! :)
Girl, you are an awesome artist and an even more awesome mom! I will definately be praying for you! Just keep being you girl.
Thank you for writing this post. I'm not sure of the right words to say. But, I do want you to know that I am happy for you because it seems like you are making a choice that you know is going to be the best for you and your family. You are such a talented woman and your children are precious. I admire your drive and your honesty. I will hold you in my prayers as always. Enjoy the weekend and try to take some time for yourself :)
Wow,your post today echoes so much of what many of us feel. I think sometimes we try to make "life" fit within our time line, when actually we just need to let life "be" what it is. You know you offer a very artistic service to your clients and it is client specific. You can't "force" your vision onto the canvas, it just has to flow. You have to let your mind's creativity flow to the canvas it wants to fill with your talent, inspiration ans ideas. I think we ladies are sometimes our own worst enemy. I think most of the time we "TRY TOO HARD" to make our lives our version of June Clever. I know personally, the harder I try to make a beautiful life for me and my world, the worse things turn out and I end up very frustrated, unhappy and fed up. You know, I wish we were able to give and receive compliments easier and lift one another up and know that the person feeding your soul the warmth and comfort of understanding is truly sincere. It's hard to erase the old recordings in our heads, but if you start out the day with no expectation except to love your life, your family and yourself- it's amazing how our eyes open to new horizons. Love You -J.
Yummy looking cake!!!! Cute kiddos!
Wow. Don't know if you believe in God but sometimes he works in mysterious ways. Like leading me to this blog. Almost every word you typed (even including the mom thing too!) was ME!! It took me hitting a brick wall/my health going down the tubes and some other things before I realized "I AM NOT SUPERMOM". Kim, you are NOT, again NOT, a bad mother!!! From what I read you go waaaaay beyond. I think yes, you do take on too much at times but it seems like we were both raised that way and it's just something you have to work on. It won't change overnight but you can do it!! Baby steps like beautiful Em! I wish you luck in whatever endeavors you choose (or don't choose). Oh and don't forget to take a breather for yourself every now and then too...it won't kill ya, it makes ya stronger and happier and yes even a better mommy!
Danine
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...” Ralph Waldo Emerson
Kim, you just do whatever you need to do! I completely understand having the feeling of "something's gotta change!" I adore you and your family, and your artwork, and your hair, and your....... well, you get the drift! I will still follow you whether you post every day, or once a year......you be the mama and artist you need to be!
{{{HUGS}}}
Robin :o)
You are a wonderful mother and such a good person. I am sure that most mothers in the world have felt the same way you do at one time or another. Believe me, I have had my share of moments such as yours.
It's so easy to say, "look at what you accomplish and not at what you don't" -
Oh Sweetie, I hope you are encouraged with something super special from the Lord this week! Lots of love and a hug too!
PS. Four pushed me over the edge of insanity too. I'm a perfectionist living in a house of 7 children. We survive, and I feel like I get nothing done anymore. This too, shall pass, and then I'm sure I'll miss my grimy monsters that are a constant mess in the making. -And you have four very cute monsters if I do say so myself! :)
Kim,
You are a wonderful mother, wife and artist. Your warm personality is such, that you are like a lightning bug that draws people around you. First, I had a very tough relationship with my mother, a perfectionist, who would rather sit at home alone because everything was not perfect! We love you for who you are. Second, you have four very young children, a thriving business and a blog. Let's not forget, a hubby and knowing you, you have lots of friends. You cannot possible juggle all these balls in the air without some of them dropping... and that's okay.
You will figure it out, I am sure. It is okay to stop, take a deep breath and start over. Hang in there and if you were in Knoxville, I would come over, help you put the little ones to bed and crack open a bottle of wine.
Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Cynthia
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